Fifty Shades of Grey, by E.L. James

james fifty shades of greySeries:  Fifty Shades # 1
Genre:  Erotica because there is nothing romantic about this.
Published:  May, 2011
Goodreads | Stop and go no further!

When literature student Anastasia Steele goes to interview young entrepreneur Christian Grey, she encounters a man who is beautiful, brilliant, and intimidating. The unworldly, innocent Ana is startled to realize she wants this man and, despite his enigmatic reserve, finds she is desperate to get close to him. Unable to resist Ana’s quiet beauty, wit, and independent spirit, Grey admits he wants her, too—but on his own terms.

Shocked yet thrilled by Grey’s singular erotic tastes, Ana hesitates. For all the trappings of success—his multinational businesses, his vast wealth, his loving family—Grey is a man tormented by demons and consumed by the need to control. When the couple embarks on a daring, passionately physical affair, Ana discovers Christian Grey’s secrets and explores her own dark desires.

Erotic, amusing, and deeply moving, the Fifty Shades Trilogy is a tale that will obsess you, possess you, and stay with you forever.

This book is intended for mature audiences.


Kassandra’s Review

She liked it.

And then read the next two.


Katelynn’s Review

Rating:  negative fitfty thousand billion million / 5
Format:  Library Ebook Rental (not a penny spent on this)
Started:  April 25th, 2016
Finished:  April 26th, 2016
Drink Pairing:
 Bleach.

She didn’t like it.

*relief*

I was going to try and write this into paragraphs, but I actually quite enjoy reading my thoughts point form. Can’t get much more accurate than this!

  • Steele is a very misleading last name – especially as I know how the book goes
  • There is the randomized spattering of incredibly verbose and over-technical words to make you feel like you’re reading from something intelligent. The rest is incredibly average.
  • Christian Grey is a stalker. He knows it and warns her but then he can’t help pursue from the distance to ensure the prey is receptive in an incredibly submissive manner.
  • When you need to sign a waiver before sex with someone – BE WORRIED
  • Inner goddess.  What the actual fuck?
  • Also, if this Ana chick is graduating from Uni, she’s still managing to act like a child when it comes to seeking attention. She pouts waaaaay too much. Grow up. And seriously? You keep calling him a stalker and but then asking him back?! I’m seeing where the Twilight fanfic aspect came from.
  • There are much more flirtatious ways of saying things than how Ana says them. She really does come off as innocent. Yet she was totally fine with having her hands held above her head on the elevator… How did he grab both her hands with one hand?!
  • She’s a virgin. Of course. Got it. Awkward flirting and obtuse comments = understood.
  • I HAVE IT. At points, the writer gets too in character..  there is no mystery to the writing – no room for imagination – and eventually it’s like you’re reading from a script or detailed analysis of what happens at each moment. It’s short and choppy, or long and convoluted.
  • She says his name a lot. Is she afraid she’ll forget it?
  • THINK OF THEM AS A UNIFORM?!!  WTF. Why not sign up at the brothel down the street? (I don’t actually remember what the uniform was, but I think they were either handcuffs or leather straps or a chain or something.)
  • I can see how people would want to read this thinking they’d get to explore their extreme side, but if someone in a weak mindset read this would they think this relationship is something to strive for? The creepy stalker who wants you to bow down and lick his boots? Or is this why it appeals to them?

Mini rant at 30%:

“Erotic, amusing, and deeply moving, the Fifty Shades Trilogy is a tale that will obsess you, possess you, and stay with you forever.” I’m sorry but what the fuck?? There is nothing romantic at all about this, and the only thing that is deeply moving is the revulsion squirming under my skin like maggots. I’m 30% done this book and the only thing I can see why this is so unbelievably hyped is that there are people who want to explore their fantasies for having someone take absolute control over everything you do (food intake, exercise regime, clothing, hairstyle, grooming) and then they make you please them by doing whatever the hell they want. I’m not sure at what point this is something you’re into, but I’m not. I’m really not. And the whole “inner goddess” thing is an absolute ball of crap. What the fuck is an inner goddess? And what is she doing letting you go gallivanting off into the dungeons with the sadist??

As for the BDSM, if you’re into it go for it but find a different book. The entire book is about how extreme Grey is, but then whenever he’s with Ana he goes all soft (metaphorically speaking of course) and they do nothing kinky. Its misleading, so there’s nothing kinky at all about this.

… and continue:

  • He doesn’t even want to let you order your own drink?! This is worse than telling her what to eat.
  • “I have an email address?” …..? Am i just being incredibly cynical and skeptical, but she can’t be *that* computer illiterate!
  • She doesn’t know how to work a MacBook. The tablet that is made for people who don’t know how to work a regular computer.
  • Someone must have dug her out of the stone-ages.
  • I think I’m offended equally by her abhorrent inner goddess as I am with her technical ineptitude.
  • It’s an infuriating juggle between, “I can’t be his Sub because I have a free will and I don’t like following directions,” and “But I want to be with him and I don’t want to offend him, and maybe my taking too long to say yes has ruined everything and he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore!”
  • Her self-conciousness is irritating.

I’m glad I can finally say this is as horrible as I thought it would be.

Honestly, though! I’ve been poking fun at this book since the hype picked up years ago, and I’ve always refused to read it. I was so worried that I’d enjoy reading the kink in the book but there wasn’t any, the relationships were seriously fucked, and the writing was atrocious. I don’t know why this is so popular, seeing as it’s a bad book, but whatever.

If it floats your boat I’m jumping ship.

BOOKS & BOTTLES

8 comments

  1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Thank you for this.
    1) Bleach. HA! Lol.
    2) Inner goddess. I’m glad it annoyed you as much as it did me.
    3) Yes. He is a creepy stalker and the relationship depicted here is one of extreme psychological abuse. It frightens me how many women think this is an okay/desirable relationship.
    4) Ana as a messed up character! She’s a 22 year old American girl, but her dialogue sounds like a 45 year old British woman. This probably explains her technological ineptitude. She is a total Mary Sue–the author placing herself in the story. This is what annoyed me most about this book.

    I will admit, I kind of enjoyed this book when I as younger and totally inexperienced in relationships. I enjoyed the thrill of reading something I knew my parents wouldn’t approve of. But to read it now…I don’t think I could get through it. As you said, the writing is brutal. It is so forced. The story is so messed up. And the characters are brutally inconsistent and just not believable.

    Congratulations on getting through it. And thank you for your hilarious comments.

    1. *smirks* You’re most welcome. I’m glad you enjoyed it!
      1) I was thinking Absinthe would work too, but Absinthe is actually good..
      2) See? The bleach is for that bitch. She really needs to find a new job because she’s horrible at whatever she was supposed to be doing.
      3) Yup yup. *nods frantically* Apparently it ends in marriage instead of a restraining order and I’m just disappointed. *sighs*
      4) YESSSS. Blerg. Should have stayed on whatever fanfic website it was written on.

      I can see how the thrill would come into play, but congrats on acknowledging that it was probably the thrill of the read instead of the read itself you enjoyed. 😉
      Cheers for horrible romances and the horrible things you can come up with!

  2. :’) I’m glad you didn’t like it either. I read it a few years back out of curiosity and oh laaawd. And then the back then boyfriend-now husband got upset when he saw me reading it. Not all too long before that, we had an argument about him watching too much pr0n. And now he was like, you’re doing the exact same thing through a book!!! ….[insert silence]…Yes, yes, this book is definitely a turn on…not. If anything, I actually got psychosomatic va jay jay pains from reading it. No idea why this is so popular either, but ‘whatever’ seems like a good way to end that thought XD

    1. LMAO. Your story is better than Fifty Shades (because that’s hilarious and awesome). 😉
      This book is definitely not a turn on. There is absolutely nothing that’s interesting or sexy or interesting! It’s just plain bad!
      Ahahaha.. oh gosh. I can’t stop giggling (and I’m in the middle of Starbucks.. STAAAHHP!)

      1. *bows* Indeed! I get more of a female boner from watching a Disney movie for crying out loud. Hahaha, it means you should’ve gone for a chocolate chip cookie to stifle the laughter.

        1. Aladdin? Tangled? Yes.
          But let’s leave Beauty and the Beast for another day, shall we? 😉
          Shoooot. Wasted opportunity. I’ll remember that for next time, though.

  3. Bahahaha haha! My friends at work are obsessed and I fight not to roll my eyes at them all the time! I read ‘Grey’ because one of them convinced me that it changes everything about fifty and I’d like it. It was worse. Seriously bad. It’s a good thing I borrowed their copy because I hated so hard and loudly on it!

Leave a Reply